It is perhaps the pain that takes me there tonight.
It’s 1990 or is it 1991? I’m a young wife and new mother.
My husband is deployed in Desert Storm… I am his wife. With him gone, I am alone with the spawn.
I am his wife.
I am her mother.
There’s a movie I see though I don’t recall too much about it but its name and the song. It was a quirky little film called “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael” and the theme song they called “In Roxy’s Eyes”
It is actually a Melissa Etheridge song (entitled “I’ll never be the same”) and it was haunting then and now.
I know a great deal more about loss now than I did then.
I know a great deal more about joy as well.
But when I hum the song tonight, it is not me that sings it so much as him I suspect.
I was his… lock, stock, and barrel. It took two attempts to leave him finally in my rear view mirror, but once I freed myself from that – from the monstrosity that was my life – I swore I’d never be that again… “his wife” or anyone’s for that matter. Of course it wasn’t entirely bad. No… there were good moments sprinkled in liberally with a healthy dose of fear… enough to keep me there for far too many years.
And here I am… to be wife again… but not His. Oh, no… not His.
How different … this
How utterly different I am than she was… the me of 25 years ago. How different the me from just four years ago as I sift through photos to choose one that resonates with this post. Growth and change.
I will never be the same.
Thank God for that.
Photo is of me (bat). The “hand” in the photo gave permission for its use years ago as did the photographer who took the image.