If a link to “Stomp” brought you here and you think this is a Christian-based blog… you are going to want to back slowly out of here. Now. Please.
i’ll wait while you get safely out… dum-dee-dum-dee-dum…
Are they gone? okay.
Got nothing against my Christian folks, but this ain’t that kind of rodeo… and i know… because i was a card-carrying member of the faith once. Trust me.
i can find value in all manner of things and today, i needed upbeat music to counter my mood. i turned to some old favorites so i could get motivated to get out of my funk and get some shit accomplished. Nothing does that quite like STOMP. So, it matters not if it is a gospel tune that references Jesus and God and blessings and what-not. i can substitute my own god, or ungod, right AA? my higher power(s) are mine.
i’m going to try to limit my posts for a bit to mostly me… because C ain’t got not stake in this blog and no control over it and i figure she may not want to read much about herself here. i think she always did enjoy reading the good shit, though (smile) and there’s plenty of that. Feel free to search by clicking the tag “C” in that cloud in the right widget and you can find all manner of posts that will tell you how fucking hotsexysmartwonderful she is and what joy she brought me. All true.
For awhile… she may play in the shadows… i cannot very well talk about me without referencing her in some fashion as she’s become a huge part of my life and i’m struggling now as i try to figure out the “me” without the “us” until the “us” is decided. i’m going to trust that if i’m writing stuff that troubles her, she’s going to let me know… that is, if she still reads and i’m not certain she will. This is not about being passive aggressive or airing laundry (clean or dirty), it is about me and my blog has always been about me. i just tend to share the GOOD shit about my relationships and keep the messy stuff private. That has served me well so far, so i’m going to keep going with that, i think.
i just don’t see how the hell i can talk about my sorrow without it being fairly obvious what it is about, so i will tread carefully… and i will try to focus on me and processing my path. Maybe our paths will join up again… i do not know.
Have i ever mentioned how much i DISLIKE (no, HATE) “not knowing” shit?
Ah well… There is no hate. There is love. There is life, and life sure is fucking messy.
So much for subtlety. Well, hells-bells, if we wanted to be subtle, i suppose our profiles would not have changed.
i don’t know what will happen. That is truth, but i know what is happening in my world now. my world is becoming rather myopic. Today i woke with one goal: to make it through the day.
That’s not how i like to roll.
i’ve nearly reached that goal… it’s a wee bit after 10pm as i begin writing this and soon enough i will be in bed and hopefully sleep will find me… quickly… mercifully. i’m not being dramatic… that’s what i am hoping for… nothing.
i’m also not suicidal… not in the least. Nope.
i am deeply wounded both from within and without. i am no angel. i am not blameless and that is why i say from “within” as well as “without”.
This is what is so nuts… i am grieving more today than i think i’ve ever grieved… and that baffles me.
i had an appointment this morning that was pure hell (emotional, difficult, done) and then off to work. i struggled to keep my shit together… i blamed my allergies (not a lie, got ’em) for the puffy red eyes and the pitiful demeanor. i left as soon as the minimum work was done and i could escape and i stumbled (literally) over this dude because i was too focused on the trees. What i was experiencing was so foreign, i sat him atop a picnic table and plunked down and stared at him.
And so began a bizarre series of natural elements that fucked with my senses. i took this rock home, btw, which my friends say is rock-napping, but i don’t care. He tripped me… he’s mine. The odd shit kept happening until i figured i was either experiencing the worst case of projection ever or i was delusional (“every little breeze seems to whisper louise” …delusional). i reached out to the folks i felt i could and ended up more upset as a result (no fault of theirs).
i decided to sleep then… so i didn’t have to think and i did not have to feel. That was a futile effort. i decided to work… not on the pc but outside with hands and back and sweat.
i am allergic to pine so this got interesting… but i was careful… i cut out the dead center of the middle shrub and hacked out all the poison ivy from underneath… what a fucking mess.
He’s gonna live or die… not sure which yet, but the ivy had to be cut out. Lots more to do there but i stopped after getting the big vines out and respraying the small ones as carefully as i could and then i carefully raked up the offending shit and into the trash it went.
Then i mowed the yard front and back, cut out the whole back flower bed and sprayed it down with poison ivy killer (bye-bye black tulips and black iris... sigh… maybe one day i can get more).
As i began to tire, i decided to haul a few of the big slabs of “urbanite” from the front drive to the back yard… but i only made this many trips before giving that up for the night. Yowzers… urbanite is heavy shit. And they aren’t THAT big, these pieces, but my hand truck’s wheels are toast, so it was not so easy. This is going to be a long slow project, but that’s okay. i have time.
i logged a lot of extra walking and then i booked something “to do” for first thing in the morning so i’d be sure to get my sorry emo ass out of bed… i’m taking the spawn shopping for some fresh herbs for her windowsill and then she and i are coming home to do some purging and having a short and crazy yard sale first thing Saturday morning (that will be my reason for getting out of fucking bed THAT day).
And that’s how i’m going to have to play this for a bit because if i don’t keep doing something? i’m going to freeze up… go awol… stop caring and stop feeling… that’s all. i can’t say that this is a terribly healthy way of dealing with shit, but i see no other way to deal with it right now.
Now i feel sorta bad for visitors to my blog that are accustomed to a bit more titillation or what not… oh wait a second… yes… i have a wee bit of something for you… i snapped this in the front by the regular “nature-made” rocks and it is rather like a Rorschach test, eh? Let’s see if anyone sees any naughty in this image… maybe if you squint. At first blush, i thought it looked like cleavage, and then? ass, and then? i saw a perfect brunette pussy triangle. And i’m not even horny… go figure.
It will be 11 pm soon.
i will go to bed and i will sleep (that is the plan) and i hope i do not dream. i do not know if brown-bear will give me comfort or make me weep… i’m rather afraid to turn the corner of the hallway and catch sight of him, actually… such is my day.
Tomorrow will be better, i suspect. The day after it will be difficult and Sunday even harder. i don’t know how to be right now, that is all.
So i can only keep moving my feet