All i wanted then was to walk… well, and to not be wracked with pain. There was great pain. There still is pain.
This morning, i hopped into gmail and looked at what i was emailing about two years ago.
i was called “kame bat” then because Master was gentle enough to accept my unease around the term “slave bat” even though nothing but the moniker changed when the title changed.
i found emails where i was expressing sadness about Boston – the bombings… and now? The riots are filling streets with fear instead.
my emails included messages about my spawn… fear for her and yet such gratitude for all the help she was to me during that time i was off my feet. Now? She’s nearing graduation with her associates and she just renewed her lease on her apartment and she’s doing so great… wow… what a difference the last two years have been for her.
Mostly though… my emails were filled with frustration about the ankle and leg.
i wanted to walk.
i wanted to be able to get into my shower without a 10 minute prep.
i wanted to be able to go up stairs (including the three into my house that had to be navigated on my ass… literally… raising my body up with my arms alone).
i wanted to be able to visit The Room… oh how i missed it those months.
i longed to be able to get down on the floor at His feet and back up again and cried when the dog was able to curl up there.
i wanted to be able to do things that i didn’t even do BEFORE the injury. Amazing how you suddenly want things you cannot have.
i suffered a great deal then – wishing things were different. i emerged from the experience realizing that the broken bones and fucked up tendons and ligaments were a gift, after all. i assessed my life. i made changes to what i was doing and prioritized things so differently.
I walk now
There is still pain
I danced at drum circles recently
My ankle and leg will never be the same. Nope… but hopefully in time… better and better.
So why the reflection today?
For starters, it’s the third anniversary of my collaring and ALL anniversaries do that to us, i think… they make us reminisce (good and bad) and they make us set goals for the future.
And this… mud ninja.
As in this (warning, website has sound)
K&k are doing the mud ninja and Master decided to do it with bd this year. “Yippie Skippie!” as LLdP would say.
And Master asked if C and i would go along as spectators (yup… we’re going) but as i considered this i thought… i wish i could DO this. Fact is i can’t. Not now.
That led me to think…
“i will never be able to do this”
That could be true, i thought, or that could be false.
Maybe i COULD.
i poked around the website and learned that you don’t have to complete all the obstacles (of course they want you to try) so if there’s one that could do you harm? you can skip it. Hmmmm… this made me think dangerous things… like… next year… what if i DID the damn thing? The biggest danger for me is the mud. Slippery… hard for this ankle to handle. Still, i began thinking of it as a possibility rather than an absurd thought.
K&k are a great example… since k has battled her own leg issues – and bd has issues she’s dealing with as well… so there you go.
Two years ago walking was impossible for me
Right now, mud ninja is impossible for me
Next year? Maybe not.
Just sayin… MUD