It seems like it should be easier to set burdens down… how hard? Just drop ’em. But no…
The sheer weight of it all is exhausting sometimes and i get seriously pissed off when i am blindsided by it.
This weekend, i listened to someone talk about families and she mentioned the phrase, “evaporated child” and it hit me then how often i “go away” for periods of time.
i check out.
Do i float up somewhere? Do i sink down to someplace deep inside? Hell if i know… i don’t know where or how i go but i go. i disassociate mildly (is it mild? i can’t say). i spoke to C about it this weekend a little and then poked around in the old interwebs about it. i’m not clinical or anything (in case anyone is concerned) but i am having difficulty wanting to be here sometimes. And no, i’m not suicidal either… i just want to go away for fuck’s sake.
K would call this “the feels”
i’ve spent the last few years opening up and getting in touch with all these goddamn feelings and now they are all here and i would just like to pack them all neatly away now… open up that pandora’s box at a later date… just scoop them all up and encase them tightly… like an emotional time