It has been a difficult few weeks for bat.
i knew when i started therapy that i’d be opening doors and looking at shit that i didn’t particularly want to see… but rotting food need not be seen to be smelled… right? The fact that i wasn’t acknowledging it didn’t make it fester any less.
i’m not stopping. There was a moment this week… when i nearly took an out that was laid so comfortably in front of me… Master was talking about how i needed a therapist… one that would give me specific tools… and i thought that He meant i should leave my current therapist. i could do that… i could stop seeing D and make this stop… but as soon as i gave it a moment of consideration i knew it would be the cowardly way out. What i am doing with D is important work… he’s opening me up and that needs to happen. Yes, i need more tools… i’ll talk to him about that… but i can’t run in fear to another therapist and start over… and then run in fear to the next one when feeling hurts too much… when seeing ugly stuff trips me up… can’t… shouldn’t… won’t.
Lots of little stuff… piling on… compounding my angst… Dancing with depression… trying to steady my legs beneath me.
Yesterday was my spawn’s birthday. Each birthday she reaches is a milestone… her “expiration date” has long passed… so far in our rear view mirror that i occasionally forget that it exists… until she says something to me, like… “I really want to have a good career by the time I am 30” and my insides turn to stone… ice cold rock hard impenetrable pain… i do not say to her…. of course… “Ah, baby… that’s so sweet that you think you’ll be here then…” but i think it… and it is a horrific thought. She might very well make 30… oh god, i hope she does because even in my worst nightmares i cannot wrap my mind around life without her in it. The fact that being thirty is a dream… is a fucking goal at all… fills me with a certain anger and frustration and pain that is so deep… i cannot give it a name.
Rough patch… patches… little emotional land-mines everywhere, it seems.
But then… i slept more than nine hours last night. That was so very needed. i woke with a very full plate of work ahead and yet… i woke with a calmness i’ve not had in a while. Whew… i felt more than a little relieved to feel happiness and to feel productive. i’m nowhere near equilibrium but i’m not so wonky as i was.
i thought of the people in my life… of sweet C who chatted with me on facebook this morning… who reminded me that i needed to cut myself some slack. “It takes a bit of trust to feel at ease with the grey” she said… and then added… “Trust in yourself”
i messaged Master to thank Him for His movement in my life. i am surrounded by people who want the best for me and this filled me with (dare i say it?) hope this morning. i recalled – of all things – the Carpenter’s song – and ignore only the first stanza (because the thought of being married? shudder… no thank you).
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we’re on our way.
We’ve just begun.
We start out walking and learn to run.
And yes, We’ve just begun.
Watching the signs along the way,
Talking it over just the two of us,
Working together day to day together.
So much of life ahead
We’ll find a place where there’s room to grow,
And yes, We’ve just begun.