i’ve been trying to catch up on my sleep and get back to semblance of normalcy.
The month of March wasn’t horrible – certainly not the worst month i’ve had in my life – but it was a troubling month… no… i was a troubled bat… a troubled person.
Ghosts and choices and growth and just a convergence of roles and responsibilities and … blech.
Still, it was not an altogether bad month. i’m sort of looking at March like a compost heap (gigglesnort). It wasn’t appetizing to look at, it smelled funky, it was a lot of work… but that’s the only way to get rich soil, right?
i’ve been in a very self-reflective mood and doing lots of soul-searching. i was going through some old files when i stumbled across something i wrote to Master when He asked me… about two years ago… to reflect on a meeting we had. i pull from that reflection here (and change none of the capitalization, etc).
[And then the struggle – the internal struggle – as I realized that what I suspected was true… it, this, us.… the only chance for success with it whatsoever was for there to be a power exchange. I knew it, goddamn it, I knew it… but I didn’t want that to be true – because it is hard – because it will be hard – and likely also because I fear failing miserably at it. And then? The matter-of-factness with which you gave me instructions (not your first rodeo, I must remind myself) to get the notebook, to enlist her help drafting a slave resume, to speak to her about how I must go about begging for a collar… the tightening of my jaw when you said that … just the words – the words – another internal struggle to even write them… because writing them makes them real. Even typing them now, gave me pause. To beg to be collared?]
i wish i could go back to that day… give myself a hug and tell myself:
Dear, frightened bat,
Yes, it will be hard
No, you will not fail miserably
you will have successes and you will have fuck-ups
This Man… this Master… is safe and good… He is to be respected and not feared
you will realize in the months and years ahead that it is okay to want to be His
One day, you will look at this Man through the eyes of love and permit yourself to fall into trust with Him
And one day, that collar… the sight and smell it… and the feel of it as it circles your throat and is fastened at the nape of your neck? It will make you smile… make you flush warm… bring a softness to your eyes rather than a tightness to your jaw
Of course, i cannot go back and if i could? i wouldn’t be able to wrap my mind around it anyway. It’s been quite a journey… it continues to surprise me – the twists and turns we make – and i’m okay with that.
So, for now?
Grass Roots: Live for Today