i talk about Mr. X from time-to-time. i was married to him for a long time, so he’s part of my tapestry. When i woke this morning, i recalled that it was St. Patty’s Day and that means it’s also the day i was married. i’ve been divorced many a year, but today marks 25 years since the day i married Mr. X.
i started the day thinking of him like this…
…but it wasn’t long before i recalled that he was long gone… a disembodied voice at the end of a phone call once or twice a year. He is harmless to me now and a sad shell of the man he never actually was but could have been. i thought about it as i dropped the spawn off at school, as i prepped for a meeting, as i made my way through the day.
By evening, i was thinking… huh… not such a scary critter at all, that ex of mine…
… my Mr. X. That’s pretty much it. Now, i’m not saying i’m finished processing the stupid shit he did, but i’m clearing the bend, i think.
There are fewer anxieties about what he did and what he could have done.
i’m realizing that he hurt himself nearly as much as he hurt me and that he told himself as many lies as he told me.
i feel less anger about the years i wasted and more gratitude that i left when i did.
Candidly, it was not all bad… and i got the spawn. That’s a helluva bargain.
He kept me safe from everyone besides him – he was a damaged man, a bad husband, and a marginal father… but he had a beautiful smile and a quick wit… a wonderful voice and charisma that just wouldn’t stop. He made me laugh more than he made me cry… but only barely and he took me away from an even darker place where i likely would have become something monstrous myself.
For the rest of the day, i’m trying to think about the growth i had while married to Mr. X. It’s an exercise… can’t hurt.
Ah, but i still think that he’s an asshole. Just sayin…
And because he was one… and because he liked the song:
Smooth Operator (Sade)