i just caught sight of His picture on my phone and it took me to a quiet and warm place instantaneously. That feeling was suddenly replaced with a feeling akin to terror. i am given pause… sometimes… by the sheer volume of what i’ve entrusted to Him.
It’s not a bad thing… i don’t think… but it blindsides me sometimes… makes me feel wobbly… and at moments like that i find my inside voice begging… please don’t hurt me, Master…
Inhale… exhale… tears spring up and i laugh ruefully at the same time… i am somewhat ashamed to give it voice… because it isn’t that i don’t trust Him, but He is a huMan. This is more about me, i suppose, than Him. i am frightened because of what i’ve known… what has been done to me… and frightened because i’ve spit in the face of logic and given Him access to the parts of me that are truly foundational.
Funny, when i came to His collar… it was the body that i thought i was giving over… the body and the will. That part is so much easier for me – i wasn’t expecting the rest.
i wasn’t expecting that such a trust would be built. i never anticipated that in the process of trusting Him, i would begin to trust myself once more.
i look at the image again – i’m not crying.
Nothing Else Matters (Metallica)
Above Image: Photo by wawbat. This is actually a shot from my hallway (papered with the pages of an old textbook i salvaged).