A few folks on the fet side of life know what i do in my ‘vanilla’ life. Fewer still know the name my parents gave me – well, that name and the one i married into. Most folks on the fet side of life have just as much to lose as i do – by an OUTing – so i rarely fear that they will OUT me. i’ve had a few close calls, though. A slip of the tongue here, a moment of panic in a store or restaurant as i recognized someone, oh… and someone affiliated with work finding me on fet once. Hiccups, really.
Very few non-kinky folks know about what i do in my everyday life. Note: while i previously considered my ‘everyday’ life to be the vanilla one, and i kept my kink relegated to weekends and shadows, it’s flip-flopped. Now, i realize it is the other way around… more of my time and energy is spent being authentically me… which is bat. That ‘vanilla’ life is getting squeezed into fewer and fewer hours and bat energy has spilled over into so many facets of my work and family life.
Both of these lives feed each other – there is positive spillover. i won’t go into details that might serve to further OUT me, but suffice it to say that the kink world is a nice fit for some of what i do in the old 9-5 and certainly… the skills and abilities i utilize in my work-a-day life help me as i navigate everything from social interactions in a dungeon to my service of Master and His House.
Ah, but i do all of this with a constant fear that i’m going to open the closet door to the wrong person. i have several closets, actually:
- There’s the i’m a non-het closet
- There’s the i’m a kinky bitch closet
- There’s the i’m a slave closet
- There’s the work closet, cause what i do makes some people nervous or standoffish, i suppose.
i am not ashamed of who i am. On fet, i am explicit in this: i know the world contains wonderful human beings. It also has its fair share of assholes and idiots. Some of those sweet folks work with me, and some tools sign my paycheck (so to speak). Others pull strings of those who do. Not knowing who has your back? It can be career suicide.
Today wasn’t the best day for an OUTing, really. It’s cold outside, i was in the warmth of my windowless office… it’s womb-like. A colleague (with interests that take her into kink realms) and i were talking and she had a genuine interest in a topic that she’s never going to learn about unless she comes to our world. i told her there were places she could get that sort of education and then i realized that each stream of good information i could give to her would put my identity at risk. There was no way to put her in touch with the people she wishes to know without risking that she’d find me on fet or on twitter or on facebook… that she’d meet wawbat… meet bat… she’d know secrets… hell, she’d see me naked, perhaps.
In what seemed like an eternity – but what was just a few short minutes – i could actually feel my gears turning, cogs fitting smoothly, then jamming a bit, more turning. i weighed my real desire to give her access to information with my desire to remain closeted.
Finally, i gave into the first impulse. i told her a bit about where she could go – groups that existed. i told her that she might find me there and that was okay. i conveyed – as best i could – the importance of her helping me keep my closet door closed sometimes.
i wish i could be fearless in this… but for now, i know that being OUT everywhere wouldn’t be simply fearless, it would be foolish. There are real risks to both sides of my life if either side knows… or at least, i perceive there to be risk. i find myself leaving that closet door open more and more often, though. i long for the day when i don’t care who sees inside.
True Colors by Cyndi Lauper
Bat Coat Hangers By Veronika Paluchova (http://www.veronikapaluchova.com/work/product/bathanger/ )