We like to triangulate.
We ferret out details, we collect data, and we like to confirm findings… oh… confirm, confirm, challenge again, confirm.
It’s the scientific process. It exists for a reason; it allows humans to suspend affective responses and to see reality… to understand the world empirically. It is important. It is valuable.
i struggle with letting go of that ‘process’ though. i wish to release my firm grip on it only because i don’t want to be in a state of constant ‘work’ and i wish to enjoy the day to day life i’m living. Still, i find joy in the moments when my natural way of being… of understanding… or researching the world BLENDS rather than COLLIDES with my world of feeling and being.
This happened yesterday.
i sat at Sangha and then went to J’s for dinner. It was late by the time i got home and i was feeling sick and exhausted, but i kept thinking about the Sangha discussion and i decided to do my reading rather than skip it.
There i found reference upon reference to what we had discussed… and i pulled out the notes i made at Sangha and smiled.
Our night’s discussion Leader began with a story about preconceived notions and the stories we hold and project as we move through our day-to-day interactions. We discussed how we hold these stories and where they come from… what – if any- purpose they serve. i thought of the Sting song, “The Book of my Life” and the way we write stories and what we choose to document and what we choose to forget. i considered that it is often the dramas that fill our stories and yet… the simpler, gentler memories never seem to make it into our scripts about ourselves and others. If they do manage inclusion, they are certainly not in BOLD and often just footnotes. Then, from my reading:
T mentioned in our discussion that there is value to watching… like a filmmaker watching two animals fight for survival in the wild… a value to viewing life without making value judgments about all of the players. i jotted down in my notes last night…
It’s my reminder… to consider… What is preferable? What is more valuable to me? Do i wish to create the film? direct it? or be a Documentarian? Is it enough for me to conduct ethnographic research or must i always analyze what i’m seeing? Do i really need to chart, to graph, to CODE all the incoming data? And T talked about how it is important to remember that we are not the same person from moment to moment. There is value in actually checking in with ourselves to see WHO we are in this moment… and in the next.
And from our expectant mother in the group (someone who is going to be a really cool, mom, i think) came this simple but profound notion that the stories we carry about OURSELVES are the ones that are the hardest to release. Stories we carry about others… about the world around us? Those are challenged, she said, by our interactions. People can prove us wrong. Life can be affirming. But… the things we think about ourselves in our own brain? We don’t challenge those much. They can be a self- fulfilling prophecy. This statement, so simple and yet powerful, made it into my notebook . After discussion, bd showed me her notes and there it was as well.. It’s a WOW. It’s a YES revelation:
This bears repeating:
i am potential incarnate.
As i read in my book, i found this… an echo of the earlier discussion… a reminder that we MUST believe the best about ourselves. We must envision positive things.
But regardless of our intent or our wishing it to be so… sometimes? Life just sucks. T talked about some of the horror that he sees that makes him have WTF moments. How can some people BE the way they are? Behave the way they do? With all of our desire to spread lovingkindness… to live lightly… to love… to respect others… we don’t always get what we want. And the reading reminded me of this as well. The letting go… not being so attached to outcomes.
i guess, in a weird way, i FELT empirically. The things my friends shared at Sangha aligned with the feelings i’ve been exploring in therapy, which aligned with the writings of this woman i’ve never met These spoken words and written words and my feelings? All of it resonated in a really cool way and left me feeling – that at least in this one moment in time- i had some sense of integration between my thinking and feeling self. It is possible, i think, to have have both… to experience and benefit from both.
Sting’s “The Book of My Life”
Pictures of handwriting are from my notes. All text screen captures are from my kindle… Chapter 4 in Sanaya Roman’s “Spiritual Growth: Being Your Higher Self” ebook.
“Balance” image found here: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8t1WI5Tn1cg/UcUfzUcU0uI/AAAAAAAAA-8/GC_DzSHBZ28/s1600/Balancing+Head+and+Heart.jpg