Real life

you are here

my phone has a “footprints” feature (probably most phones do these days). i used it last evening when i parked in a new place while downtown… just in case i got confused and couldn’t find my car. There on my phone, i captured – with geographic certainty – a tiny spot on this vast planet.  That got me to thinking about some memorable spots.

Many of these spots are memorable for horrific reasons. In those places, i lost innocence, felt pain, suffered in awful ways – or caused others to suffer. These are not the ones pressing against my heart right now. The places that came to mind last night and again tonight are places i’ve inhabited in the last few years.

There’s a corner of a hotel conference room… where i thought i had lost His collar… where i discovered what that collar meant to me... because i thought it was gone.

There is a tiny spot of carpet that i think of from time-to-time. It’s the place where i was not forced to the floor… but where i did not fight gravity… smile. Where i discovered that being at His feet was not the same as being under His feet.

A bed beneath a textured ceiling… a bed where i have felt pleasure and pain… a place where i feel absolutely safe to laugh and cry and cum and cum and cum.

A coffee shop table…  where i sat and doodled a cross and felt for the first time the incredible weight of a burden i’d been carrying for someone else… and weeks later… under a night sky devoid of visible stars there was a Man and a dog and i was the one given the command, “Sit“, yet as i saw the comment register on the faces of two men sitting nearby i did not care that they had heard.

There is a soft couch that will forever be fused in my mind with the smell of leather, cedarwood and skin – where peace settled on me in way that was almost startling in its simplicity.  As i laid there, i thought… i should permit myself moments like this more often.

It’s not the events that took place in those square feet of earth that make them so memorable, it isn’t even the people that inhabited those places with me that etched them in my brain (though that didn’t hurt at all) but it was my presence in those moments…

in those moments – i reached a level of emotional honesty with myself

i was present

i was all-in

i thought of all of this as i saw the footprint on my phone. i thought about the conversation i had with Master and belet dawn about thinking and feeling… my valuing both but wishing to embrace my intellect and my heart.

It occurs to me that the most special moments in my life have been ones in which i felt far more than i thought…  and while i’ve no desire to stop thinking, i do crave those moments of feeling – of unadulterated immersion in a moment of time – of saturated sensation – of just being there.

For me, it isn’t about trying to learn this skill… it’s more about me not fighting it so damn hard.

Ah, therein lies the rub

“But be now” He said to me once… and i repeat it more often than i probably realize… “But be now…”

This tedtalk comes to mind at the moment… her sense of the connection… her life in the moment

Amanda Palmer’s TedTalk “The Art of Asking”

Heart Image Found Here:
Link to video on the TedTalk site:

2 thoughts on “you are here

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