i do not like to be corrected… i wrote to Him later that i felt flushed at His words – uncomfortable at first. It took me a moment to accept them for what they were – nothing more and nothing less.
As i reflect on it this morning (not to punish myself, but because i just read something that made me think of it) i realize that in that moment, i wanted to leave. Flight seemed like a logical reaction to His very calm words. There is an “all or nothing” part of my personality… if i cannot be perfect or a project cannot be done to perfection, part of me wants to scrap the attempt altogether.
i am not perfect.
None of us are.
i am trying to see that thought process – for what it is – when it happens. i’m attempting to stop those old scripts that tell me that i must be perfect to be lovable, that if i’m not perfect i’ll be alone. They are silly and useless stories.
All of this came to mind today – converged in my heart – because of the first intermission in Kacie Cunnignham’s book, “Conquer Me.” She says…
“… all He has asked of me so far, i have given Him with joy,
but what will happen
when He makes a demand that i must struggle to obey?”
Just a day or two ago, Master and i discussed His collar – others who had worn His collar – and He said He hoped not to get the one i carry back. i echoed His sentiment. i cannot fathom it, truth be told. i know there was life before i was His and there would be life after… but i shake my head when the thought comes to mind and as i release it from my fingertips onto the computer screen. No. No. No.
Still, there is this tiny voice from somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind that says that i might fail Him. He has not pushed me so much. i have not had to struggle so very much… i don’t think… or perhaps His Mastery has simply been welcome so far and my desires have aligned with His for the most part? We do, after all, want the same thing… we both want growth. Ah, but i do know what it is to disappoint Him – even just a bit. i have not always pleased Him. i cannot imagine looking into His eyes and seeing His gaze register failure even though everything i know about this Man tells me that He is fair and kind. Still… i wonder what will happen when i’m pushed farther. Kacie goes on to say:
“Is it strange for me to crave that, to hunger for it,
to desire that struggle so?
To want to be pushed, made demands upon,
to be forced to reach inside of myself to find my resolve,
to make the choices?”
And i’m there with Kacie… feeling like i’ve been swallowed up in her page…
i feel myself going to that heady space… i feel that soft, warm heat spreading through my body… i feel as if my ears need to pop. i am aware of my desire to please, my need to serve, the hunger for more challenges.
i want Him to challenge me but as i take that brave step towards Him, i fear a misstep. “Fear is not useful here” i hear Him say… and i know this is true.
i hum this song inside my brain today… it is evocative of the feeling i have on this morning when i am faced with the demands of offices and work… but my spirit wishes to stay in leather here… sigh
Billy Joel and Leonard Cohen (Light as the Breeze)
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