i’ve recently been troubled by ghosts. Not the ethereal kind… but the ones i carry.
i am learning to love myself in ways i never thought possible, but along with that evolution has come an unexpected side effect:
Maybe it is more anger than hate? i cannot say for certain, but it is a venomous feeling. As i stop blaming myself for things that i had no control over, i find myself setting my sites on the people who were responsible (imho). i am somewhat frightened by the depth of emotion i am feeling about these people… just a handful of them… and the emotions are not productive.
i had a cathartic experience not too long ago – one that opened the door to acceptance and love of self (still in progress) but i fear the next step. i have to find a way to forgive… wait, perhaps not…maybe it is more like let go… definitely let go… of the anger and hatred. It is a burden i carry and it serves no purpose in my life.
It’s as if the vacuum has been filled… in the absence of self-loathing, the loathing has another target.
i want to live – and i have no desire to look over my shoulder in fear or to be weighed down with anger – it takes so much energy.
So, now… how?
Pondering on this…. but here’s one of my favorite songs… one that gives me hope that it is possible… to embrace life with promise and purpose.
Dare to Live! Andrea Bocelli with Laura Pausini