Defending against its onslaughts, i took on a shell. Over time it hardened nicely and kept my soft insides perfectly safe… safe from pain and safe from pleasure. It’s a process, coming out of the shell. Fear drove me into it… and those things that caused fear are still here, after all.
i find that i’m getting hurt a bit more, i’m super sensitive to things. i’m feeling things i haven’t felt in a very long time and doing things i thought i’d never do again. It’s liberating and scary as fuck.
The last few months have been full of changes and ripe with opportunities.
i’ve said no to a few things but yes to most.
i have to find a new way of navigating the world, but luckily i’ve found some great tour guides who are helping immensely. i watch them as they interact with those around them… i watch as they open themselves to experiences… as they take chances. i’m following their cue and slipping out of the shell every chance i get. One day, perhaps, i’ll forget to don it altogether.
i want to be strong without being hard. “You soften me” i said to J today… and it is true. With him, i can be gentler… unguarded… and it’s largely due to his willingness to do the same with me. His strength does not diminish his gentleness. That’s amazing to me. i can learn a great deal from him… and his ability to see the beauty in the world around him and to embrace it (and me) warts and all.
Sing by The Dresden Dolls
Turtle image found at http://thestatelygentleman.deviantart.com/