Dear Uncle Sam,
i really appreciate all the help you gave me while i went to college. i realize you didn’t do it because you loved me… but because you knew that i’d get a better job with that degree… and that i’d pay more taxes back to you as a result. Still, it was nice of you.
i also appreciate the low interest rate you gave me. Too kind, really, too kind.
i would have appreciated the deal you gave to my cousins… y’know… the BANKS? i heard that they didn’t have to give any of it back, but they always were your favorites.
i’m sorry that i haven’t been paying you back as quickly as you would like, and i know i haven’t returned each and every call you’ve made to me. i’ve been busy, y’know, working and living. i’ve been a bad niece and i’m ashamed, seriously, ashamed.
Still, i was gobsmacked when i arrived home yesterday to find this in my mailbox:
Seriously? Uncle Sam… what are you smoking in Washington? And since you’re smoking it, why won’t you legalize it?
Fifteen… yes 15 envelopes… each containing a bill. At first, i thought it was a computer glitch… since i generally get one envelope from you each month… but nope. Each envelope was special… each contained a unique document. Apparently, you think i’m an idiot… so now you’ve separated my student loan debt into quarters… and each one is a request to be paid in full.
Pause to giggle… oh hell…. hang on… past giggling… laughing uproariously. Whew… let me wipe the tears from my eyes.
Hey Unc… you see my tax returns, dude, where do you think i’m going to pull this money from?
i guess i need to make an appointment to come see you… i’ll bring my turnip… we’ll see if we can get some blood out of it, m’kay?
Your well-educated but still marginally employed niece,