The things I want to say are not flowing from my fingertips. I’ve typed, backspaced, typed, deleted… it’s getting ridiculous. What I want to say just feels too private to share – even with anonymity – so, I’ll choose to share those thoughts with the two people that matter – and share this post with everyone else:
Today, I attended an informal M/s meeting… y’know, people who own people (not like trafficking, mind you) within a mutually beneficial power exchange context. I listened, mostly. I know enough about the subject to be dangerous! Here’s what struck me: there are just as many ways to be M/s as there are to be heteromonogamousegalitarians. Yup, that’s a word now. Made it up.
I’m fascinated by the level of time Masters devote to slaves and their training and care. I’m blown away by the attentiveness slaves have to their masters’ needs. I was moved by one slave’s body language – part kitten, part proud lioness – as she sat next to her master’s feet… so happy to be there. Another person talked about their relationship in terms of volume … and with an accent… which made it just seem so right (an accent never hurts, I’m telling ya’, if you don’t have one… cultivate one!)
I posted not that long ago about wanting a “good sadist” and I said that I didn’t want to live this lifestyle… but rather it was a bedroom thing. I’ve since come to realize that the brushstrokes aren’t nearly so black and white as I thought. I’m struggling with how to define myself – how much of myself I’m willing to surrender. I refuse to lie or to fake it until I make it, so I’m struggling with explaining my needs to those around me as well.
I do not now possess a slave’s heart, but I vibe to many things that I’m learning about. It’s spring, so it’s a good time for growth and renewal, yes? The daffodils will be dying … the lilies and tulips are coming soon enough (can’t wait for those) and I’m going to give myself permission to enjoy the same ebb and flow that my flowerbeds experience… some death, some growth, but change – definitely change.